Good evening queerlings. I have in my hands this evening an intriguing piece of revelation painstakingly researched and written by a dear friend who I have never had the pleasure to meet in person - Mary Elizabeth Hall. A student at Birmingham Southern College, Mary wrote this little piece of brilliance this previous semester and gave me consent to share with you all. Beware. There's a lot of words. And not one damn picture. I realize most of my audience is 43.7% illiterate with a rising tendency of ASS (Attention to Shiny Shit) . I would also like to reiterate that CampusQueer does NOT make house calls to read blogs aloud in the nude. That was one time and the Craigslist ad said he was Anderson Cooper. Not the proudest moment for you Queer. Anygay, CampusQueer proudly presents The Flamers of Facebook: A Checklist for the Modern Woman to Avoid a Potentially Awkward Situation by Mary Elizabeth Hall.

Most teenage girls, and perhaps older women, have been in the situation where they look at a guy and think “Hey! He’s pretty cute.” However, the said cutie’s sexual preference is a toss up. A virtual investigation must commence. Often times, gay men do not have “I LIKE BOYS!” in that random box under their profile picture, so deep Facebook investigating, not stalking, must be intiated. I took it upon myself to discover the various attributes homosexual men tend to have on their Facebook profiles to warn my fellow females so they can stop setting themselves up for failure. I took fifteen openly gay men from all walks of life, varying from ages eighteen to twenty-seven, and evaluated their Facebook profiles. It is rather obvious that I’m up to my necks in homos and am deeply fascinated by their “code” so they can tell each other apart from the rest via Internet. Now I can share these well guarded secrets with women of the world so they can avoid the awkwardness of telling all their girlfriends that the “cute boy from GAP” is not interested on a whole different level.
The most obvious thing to do would be to check the boy in question’s “Interested in” section where sexual orientation is expressed. More often than not, a gay man will not have anything listed under this section, even if he is openly homosexual. This is often because a certain family member does not know of their sexuality. For example, a dear friend’s of mine (Gay #1) grandparents have no idea of his orientation and it would break their heart if they did, so it is preferable that there is no way they could find out. Also, since their is sadly still discrimination in the world, it would open the door for ridicule. Only four out of the fifteen actually have that they are interested in men; the other eleven are unlisted. Also, one of the four is a professional drag queen, so since it’s a part of his occupation he can not help but be out in every aspect.

Wall posts, comments left on someone’s Facebook by another person, are another resource to be examined. I found that most of the posts on the fifteen’s Walls were from people of the female persuasion or from another homosexual man. For instance, all of Gay #1‘s recent Wall posts are from me, being his best girl friend or his “Fag Hag,” various other women, and Gay #11, his roommate. The same holds true from Gay 2-15.

Another sure fire way to pick out homosexuality is to investigate their “Favorite Music” section, where Facebook users can lists their favorite artists. Odds are if they are gay they are obsessed with Britney Spears, Lady GaGa, musicals, or all three. Generally speaking, straight boys usually do not have any of these under their favorites on iTunes. I took it upon myself to look at all the musical interest of my fifteen openly gay Facebook friends and discovered that only four of them did not have Lady GaGa, Britney Spears, or musicals listed under their “Favorite Music.” However, these two leading ladies can be found all over their profiles. For instance, on Gay #1’s Wall there is a post from a girl quoting Lady GaGa’s Christmas song, “Christmas Tree” featuring Space Cowboy. He also has another lyric from the same song in the random box under his profile picture. There is another post from a different girl of a YouTube video called “Lady Gaga Medley” where to men perform an acoustic version of her single “Bad Romance.” Britney also makes an appearance in a photo album of his Facebook where he and Gay #14 embarked on a road trip to see her perform in Shreveport, Louisiana.

I thought since I was already on their “Info,” I might as well take a look at all of their favorites. Upon my research, I found that most of my fifteen gays have various chick flicks (i.e. The Holiday, Titanic, Sex and the City: The Movie, etc.), however, it was not the majority by much. The number I found was not near the amount I expected. Six of fifteen did not have stereotypical chick flicks under their “Favorite Movies,” granted some of them do not have that type of information listed on their profile. Also, only two out of fifteen had the Twilight series under their “Favorite Movies” and “Favorite Books.” I know. I was shocked, too.

From my experience with gay men, I have reached the conclusion that most of them are leaning towards the views of the Democratic party and if they were not Democratic, they definitely were not Republican. Through my research, I discovered that out of my fifteen gays, absolutely, positively none of them has any sort of affiliation with the Republican party or conservatism. According to Simon Shepherd and Mick Wallis in Coming on strong: gay politics and culture, gays are usually associated with the liberal side of the spectrum due to Republicans viewing homosexual complaints as “baseless and over to the top” (Shepherd 3).
The trickiest of all the things to look for is the relationship status. Many times, a gay man will be listed as “Married” or “In a Relationship” to his best girl friend or “Fag Hag.” For instance, Gay #3 is “In a Relationship,” Gay #9 is “In an Open Relationship” with a lesbian (oh, the irony), and I have even been “Married” to Gay #1. Even some Wall posts can seem like they are in a relationship like Gay #4‘s “girlfriend” posting “hey lover I miss you!” and her comment when they made their “relationship” Facebook official, “i love you dear. I’m so so glad we’ve made our relationship facebook official.” and his reply of “I love you as well dearie.” These are obviously in jest, but someone who does not know that Gay #4 is in fact gay could get very confused. However, that is part of the logic behind it. Gay men are like women; they like drama, chocolate, chick flicks, and to keep everyone guessing. Also, most of the time if they are listed in an actual relationship, it will not say who with. For example, I know for a fact that Gay #2 and Gay #4 are in a relationship together; however, both of their Facebooks list that they are in a relationship just not with one another.

Another way to establish the orientation of a questionable male specimen is to check mutual friends. More often than not, if any friends are shared, those shared friends will be gay. This is actually a legitimate fact. The Massachusetts Institute of Technology developed an extremely accurate method that directly correlates the sexual orientation of a person’s Facebook friends to their own (Jernigan 1). I found this true in my own research. All of the fifteen were friends with at least one of the other fourteen that were studied.

Now that I have all this information, I feel compelled to put it to use. I have taken it upon myself to compare the profile of a GID (Gay in Denial) with the information I have previously discussed. The GID is a man who is either gay and will not admit it for various reasons such as religion, or a man who was once gay but then “changed his ways” and magically became straight. The particular GID that I will be examining was once out of the closet, but then decided to go back in due to the influence of another GID.

Exhibit one: When I examined his Wall, I found only one post by a male and I had to click on the “Older Posts” link to get to it. This is including comments made on his statuses and other activities, but excluding Social Interview and applications like it.
Exhibit two: Lady GaGa and “dance techno” are under his “Favorite Music” section. I would like for someone to give me the name of one heterosexual teenage boy who would use the words “dance” and “techno” consecutively.

Exhibit three: Tristan and Isolde, a classic love story/chick flick, is listed under his “Favorite Movies” section. Also, although I did not discuss television shows, The O.C. is listed under his “Favorite T.V. Shows” followed by “why in the world did it get canceled?” I will not insult the reader’s intelligence by further elaborating.
Exhibit 4: Under his “Political views,” he states “i disagree with political parties.” That is such a liberal thing to say.
Exhibit 5: Ten percent of the friends we have in common are openly homosexual. Sixteen percent of our mutual friends fellow are GIDs. He is also Facebook friends with my ex-boyfriend so that’s another strike against him.

This particular GID meets five of the eight attributes homosexual men generally have on their Facebook profiles. Through my research, I have found repeating patterns in the Facebook profiles of gay men that mostly hold true such as a love of artists such as Lady GaGa, politically liberal, and mutual gay friends. I believe it is safe to say that if the boy in question meets at least half of these characteristics, that he is, in fact, gay. However, if trying to out a GID, only three need be proven since the “Interested in” section must be excluded from the evidence. If proven, the boy is to be considered null and void by the female population for dating value, but cherished and loved for shopping purposes.


Phew! Told you. It's a mouthful. And not the Mason Wyler kind either. Perhaps you caught my cameo as Gay #11. No? Well, it was a quick one. Personally, I'm gunning for an essay dedicated solely to the CampusQueer. Someone get to work on that. Kudos for making it through all that by the by. I hope you feel enlightened, entertained, or at least confident in your mastery of reading. Please, if you completed the reading of this essay, return to the Facebook page and answer my question, "What is the use of repeating all that stuff, if you don't explain it as you go on?" with the answer "It's by far the most confusing thing I ever heard!" This way we can all smile at you and award you with a dandy scratch-and-sniff sticker. (The copy paste button is an excellent function too!)

P.S. ~ That was a Mock Turtle quote for those of you who fall down rabbit holes. ;)

Over and Out,
CampusQueer