Queerlings, are you feeling tired, weak, and flacid. Well fear not! Madge is here to kick your puny ass into high gear with her new gym. Yes. Gym. Madonnna has just opened the first Hard Candy gym in Mexico City, because when I think world-class gyms by megastars, I think Mexico. The gym is bedazzled with larger than life images of the pop diva to always remind its clients that they will never be as amazing as her. I mean the bitch is 52 in dog years and has a sicker body that Rodiney of LOGO's A-List. Okay, that was a  lie. Rodiney is sizzling good.

Now I can't let the entrepreneur in me not allow a round of applause for Madonna and her super-strength snatch. Who in the world would large cash wads of expendable income on gym? Gays. And who would spend large cash wads of expendable income on anything Madonna? Gays. Combine the two, stir, and that's how you make Oprah. And let's not stop the applause there. Oh no. Because what KIND of gay spends large cash wads of expendable income on Madonna-themed gyms? That's right. . . DADDIES! And there is nothing better in this world than a fit, tone, hot daddy. So thank you Madonna. I guess you could say this is all . . . Like a Prayer?? According to speculation, the entire gym is nothing more than a giant steam-room with a few cardio balls rolling around and a fantastic light show.

Madonna plans to work out the kinks of this first Hard Candy, using Mexicans as guinea pigs like an rich white lady would, and proceed to opening at least 10 more branches worldwide. At the opening, Madge was so kind to give the first dance session where all the participants were fortunately wearing edgy, black ensembles and professionally-trained dancers.

My rhetoric professor, Jason Black, shared this with us last week and I think these are the kind of words that need to be heard not only at the '92 Republican National Convention, but at the gay clubs of 2010. You are not safe unless you make yourself safe. It is not the disease of "whores." Mary Fisher contracted the virus during her marriage from an unfaithful husband. Today being World AIDS Day, you have to ask yourself some real questions. Have you been practicing safe sex? Have you put yourself at risk? And most importantly, have you been tested? If the answers are not clear, it's high time you make them clear. I have been tested. I know that I'm negative. Do you? There seems to be a great fear among my peers of getting the test and I'm here to tell you there is more fear in not knowing and possibly putting others at risk than knowing and starting the fight as early as possible. With today's treatments, if you start the meds early enough, you can lead a healthy, normal life and contain the virus down to what is known as "untraceable" levels. In other words, they know you have it somewhere still in your body, but the tests are showing that you do not and the possibilty of spreading it to others becomes miniscule.

For testing, I recommend that you go to WAAO services here in Tuscaloosa. They test for no charge to you and the results are completely confidential. They give you a highly accurate mouth swab exam and you get the results in 20 minutes. If you screen positive, they will double-check it with a more stringent test. If you choose to go to the Public Health Dept. or the Student Health Center, they will be required to report you as positive if that's the case and the SHC will actually send a letter to your parents immediately without your consent. WAAO does so much good here in West Alabama and they want to help you. They offer the test for a reason. Keep the power in your hands. Get tested.


Over and Out,
CampusQueer