Queerlings, are you feeling tired, weak, and flacid. Well fear not! Madge is here to kick your puny ass into high gear with her new gym. Yes. Gym. Madonnna has just opened the first Hard Candy gym in Mexico City, because when I think world-class gyms by megastars, I think Mexico. The gym is bedazzled with larger than life images of the pop diva to always remind its clients that they will never be as amazing as her. I mean the bitch is 52 in dog years and has a sicker body that Rodiney of LOGO's A-List. Okay, that was a  lie. Rodiney is sizzling good.

Now I can't let the entrepreneur in me not allow a round of applause for Madonna and her super-strength snatch. Who in the world would large cash wads of expendable income on gym? Gays. And who would spend large cash wads of expendable income on anything Madonna? Gays. Combine the two, stir, and that's how you make Oprah. And let's not stop the applause there. Oh no. Because what KIND of gay spends large cash wads of expendable income on Madonna-themed gyms? That's right. . . DADDIES! And there is nothing better in this world than a fit, tone, hot daddy. So thank you Madonna. I guess you could say this is all . . . Like a Prayer?? According to speculation, the entire gym is nothing more than a giant steam-room with a few cardio balls rolling around and a fantastic light show.

Madonna plans to work out the kinks of this first Hard Candy, using Mexicans as guinea pigs like an rich white lady would, and proceed to opening at least 10 more branches worldwide. At the opening, Madge was so kind to give the first dance session where all the participants were fortunately wearing edgy, black ensembles and professionally-trained dancers.