The gifts were wrapped so intricately, beautifully, and masterfully. Hours were spent knotting the bows just so. The tape dispenser was depleted and the scissors were worn thin. All undone within minutes. Santa came and he was good to your queer. Cash. Cold, hard cash with a few dashes of the Banana and Diesel. Santa is good at what he does. There was time with family and good food and all that other magical crap that is Christmas day. Now it's time to celebrate six days of pure, unadulterated naughtiness before Santa starts his list over in the new year. But don't get toooo inebriated yet you lush! There will be plenty of time for that later. Tomorrow requires you be bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. It's SALE DAY! Return all that gankity shit you never wanted and get you somethin' purty. Personally, I won't have to be in return lines with you because my family finally realized I have better taste than them. Tomorrow you will find me with my beating stick in the thick of it in B'ham and then it's all about the ATL on Monday and Tuesday! That brings me to my next, very important point. Christmas is donezo. Next comes our even bigger holiday. No. Not New Year's Eve. Better.

On Monday, December 28, 2009 we celebrate the Resurrection of Our Lady upon Hotlanta! Her glory will come sweeping upon the concrete jungle to feed her little monsters with her sensual mewzaks. Now this bitch ain't got tickets. If you do, I am NOT above doing very sinful deeds that would get myself on Santa's Naughty List for life in exchange for one. Okay, that's a lie. Or is it? Anygay, I will be in town to capture her essence in glass jars for posterity. Here's a a figure you may recall from a few posts back to serve as an impromptu Our Lady Tracker.

I congratulate those making the pilgrimage to dance in the dark at her feet. May you have the blessing of the CampusQueer in your heart and your disco stick in hand. Your homework for the week is to ponder realistic New Year's resolutions. Good luck shopping you little fashionistas. Let there be stars in your eyes because you're having a good time!

Over and Out,
CampusQueer

I remember the days of yore when I would load up in a deathtrap of a van for the Baptist Cult of Jesus and spread our seed in the world with caroling for nursing homes during the month of our Laward. In retrospect, I wonder if those social security sucking old prunes thought we were a multitude of angels descending upon them to extend an invitation to the afterlife, freeing them from a hell of overflowing bed pans and applesauce. Silly old people. Nonetheless, we would arrive pink-cheeked and tight-holed to sing our little diddies of Christmas cheer. Given it is the eve of Christmas Eve, I imagine 'tis  appropriate I serenade you all with a few songs dear to our kind during this time of year. Instead, I'll let the professionals do it. Here are some tried and true favorites guaranteed to put you in the spirit!

Now wasn't that just joyous. I think I need Im going to need an eggnog. Heavy on the bourbon.

Over and Out,
CampusQueer

The week of Kri'Muh is nigh! Too bad your faggot-ass was too busy turning tricks in a van down by the river to remember to get your gift shopping done. Never fear! CampusQueer is here to give you some inspiration. Since I'm sure your Nice and Naughty lists are equally lengthy, I've got a Top 5 for each to make sure you've got a little something shiny to slip down anyone's stocking. Let's start with the Nice List.

1. A Saks Gift Card. For the label whore in all of us. Now if you don't get generous enough with that dollar amount, girl ain't walking out of that place with a stitch. This is the perfect gift for any Daddy to his SugarBaby.













3. Lady Gaga's The Fame Monster.

In case it hasn't been clear thus far, the CampusQueer is not on the campus for the time being. Finals ended last Friday with euphonium, delusional ecstasy, and stellar grades for moi. Thanks. I'll be taking my scratch-and-sniff sticker now please. For us fabulous and regal dormitory residing faggots -- That's funny. There's a spell check message for "faggots" -- that means evacuating the dance floor and heading home for the holidays. So here I am, back at my roots submerged in a town glorifying Aeropostale, hood rat mewzics, and a general acceptance that life ends here for them. Left with burned birdges and no friends, I sit here in Mother's new loft "downtown" with nothing to do but take up my mantle at the fanshy restramatant down the road. So I marched down there, asked for some hours, and was asked to arrive early tihs morning at 9am. I immediately assembled my black skinny pants, fine white oxford, and black, square-cut skinny tie. Ummm... I looked good?

So this morning I arrive and fall back into the swing of things. The swing of things entails running up and down stairs, looking busy, and avoiding actual work as long as possible. It's quite exhausting work and would probably just be easier to just dooo something. (I hope you read that like Julia Childs because I typed it like that.) Well, the point of this post, and it does have one, comes from my interactions with my male co-workers. Some of them I knew from back in the day and some were noobs. All were straight as I am gay. They made games of throwing rolls in trash cans, spoke in dull, monotone lulls, and then ATE the rolls from aforementioned trash cans for jest....Please send very expensive, extravagant flowers to my funeral.

The curious thing is my response to being around these people. Now I think it can be agreed by all from miles around....CampusQueer is pretty damn queer. A limp in my wrist. A spring in my step. A fruity cocktail in my hand. Always. However, being submerged in this hetero normative situation, I played into their game. I may have been dressed to the tee and had hair quaffed to asymmetric perfection, but I was not myself. And that is a sad thing. Why do we sometimes feel need to shove ourselves back in the closet to make others more comfortable? We give up our own comfort with ourselves and who we are that we have been building up for a lifetime in order to keep society's status quo for a few hours at a time. I say "we." Maybe I am wrong, but I feel certain this can speak for many of us queers. Except for Mr. Mackey. Mr. Mackey is ALWAYS Mr. Mackey. I return for another shift tomorrow, and chances are I will fall right back in step with this feigned facade. Don't judge. It's a defense mechanism and I am full of those. I just hope by me recognizing this in myself, I can conciously combat it in my interactions with others. And maybe you will too. We don't always have to be rainbow flag waving, quiche baking, pelvic thrusting queermos, but never be afraid to be who you are wherever you are. Unless wherever you are is in the middle of a Southern Baptist vacation to the Neo Nazi hunting lodge. Then you need to figure out how the hell you got there and how to hide that listhp Mary.


We will see what tomorrow holds. I will see if  I can stand a little taller for myself and who I am. You will ask your Mee-Maw for a few V-necks for Christmas or Hanuka,  but not for Kwanzaa. Can't go wrong there.

Over and Out,
Campus Queer

So yesterday, I'm doing my daily paroozing of various shopping websites in between my busy, busy schedule of napping, eating Captain Crunch, and pondering ways to make my cheeks look more emaciated when I find this great Lacoste duffle that demands my mother's attention and credit card. I leave the page up on her computress with a sticky note reading "Ho, ho, ho?" and wait in the shadows. She then had to remind me, if she were to persay order something online for me, it might not make it under the tree in time since Christmas is indeed next Friday. I had not a clue. Christmas is a creeper. You never realize how close it is until it is sticking its thumb down your crack.

Well in anticipation of the Yuletide shitshow, I would like to share a little somethin' somethin' from my family to yours.



Of course CampusQueer is ALWAYS inclusive and accepting of others, so Happy WhateverTheFuckYouCelebrateToGetPresentsFromPeopleAndContinueThePrideOfCorporateAmericaAndCapitalism!


Over and Out,
CampusQueer

Success! Right in the heart of the ultra-lubed political machine of America in Washington, D.C. we have struck a rainbow flag firmly in the earth still loose with the footsteps of our October March for Equality. Today, the city council of the District of Colombia passed a bill to legalize gay marriage, soon to be signed by the mayor, Adrian Fenty, and put into action so that all those pudgy, "conservative" politicians on Capitol Hill can stop sneaking off behind the Lincoln Memorial with their twinky pages to engage in their perverted acts and finally get a proper marriage with them. How keen!

So that now makes Vermont, Iowa, Conneticut, and Massachusetts, and then there's New Hampshire following close behind beginning in the new decade. Small steps. But then again, when has it ever been befitting of a queen to take boisterous leaps? See Figure 1a.

Being honest however, this Queer isn't so sure about marriage, although I am sure I better get a 'spensive rang if I'm going to be stuck with your dumbass. I only celebrate getting marriage rights for us because of the principal; the idea that somewhere in the nation we aren't only good for making a great arrangement of callas or jacking up the property value of neighborhoods with our trendy mystique. I just think marriage is played out and lost its meaning along the way. But that's another blog for another day. In the meantime let's celebrate this step forward with two steps backward true to our own precedent and have a circuit party around the reflecting pools! I'll bring the cocaine pinatas and doilies. Really though, this news does please the Queer and is another hole punched in a black sky, leaving a pinhole of twinkling light to remind us there's something out there to give hope and remind others this movement has no intentions of being quelled. Don't lose hope queers. Congrats DC. Now don't fuck it up.

Over and Out,
CampusQueer

This queer posting is brought to you by the fine folks of the Apple Store at Lenox Square, Atlanta. They do God/Cher's work.

Well, this country boy has hit the big city ya'll. And can I just say how good it feels to be a Rammer Jammer belligerent bumpkin? Don't raise that finely plucked eyebrow to me Mary. You roll up in Atlanta saying you are from Alabama and they scoff. Oh how they scoff. But, in true antebellum fashion, I raised my glass, complimented their fine city, and held my tongue. I think. But this little skip across the state line gave me a few moments of enlightenment.

I am grateful for my true southern raisings. We all, I'm sure, have groaned and moaned about our bigoted, rural settings unconducive to our vibrant lifestyles of glitter and technorama. But please remember what your mama taught you right. We say "Yes ma'um," understand the impact of holding a door, and only speak ill of others with the highest regards, and put sugar in our tea BEFORE it is served to a guest. I surely don't wish to remain in the inglorious Bible Belt my entire life, but being raised here has given me something that I don't believe is commonly found elsewhere - common courtesy. No slow down you kind-hearted folk who happen to live in Metro-palooza who live this concept as well. I know there's always the exception to the rule. Good for you. Here's a scratch-and-sniff sticker.

In further homolgy, I have decided there are some things in this --- Someone just started playing When Love Comes Over in the Apple store really loud and my hips don't lie --- world that are worth waiting for. You may not know why you have to wait, or how long you have to wait, or what it is that really compels you to wait, but you must. You must wait and be strong. When you love something, don't settle for something less that is instantly gratifying. People have less respect for queers because we are are the instant grits of the dating world.  Instant grits are fine, but you feel like there was something missing. It takes longer to make pancakes or a proper omlette, but it sure is damn good once you get it. Then again, cereal is pretty damn fucking good AND instant. Let's consider cereal as the upper class porn star whore you rent for you and your friends one weekend in Vegas. Still following? No? I don't really care. What it comes down to is - If you find something or someone that means something to you that you would do anything in the world for, why would you let yourself just get frustrated and move on to something more shiny when you know it isn't going to make you as happy. Need another reference to make it clear? Okay dumbass, you could get a pair of Levi's pretty cheap and easy that don't fit nor flatter or wait and buy some R&R's or True Religions you know you want that are going to make that ass pop and fit your supple thighs. I think after this wild and romping weekend, I have been reminded --- Oh, now Beyonce's Sweet Dreams is on!! --- that I want to wait. I hope you'll wait. And one day, we'll be done waiting and have that omlette with the cheese AND the ham while wearing our Rock and Republics.

Something else I learned this weekend is value your family. As I tweeted, family isn't always by blood. Sometimes, if not more often, it's by spirit and alcohol. My family makes me smile. Sometimes they grind my gears, but when you can come in from a quite untame night, get in your panties, drink some more, eat your fast food and open your world with each other (Is this sounding like a messy orgy yet?) you have found special people who will always have your back. Value that.

Okay, well that's enough of that. I really am so glad to be getting some good response and feedback from you guys. I have much to do to deliver what I want CampusQueer to really be. Look forward to videos since I know some of you mo's are illiterate. I have more tricks up my sleeve, but not the kind you by drinks for at the bar in hopes of seducing them later. I'm off to shop and eventually find my way to Annie's Town, Alabama. Until next time, be southern gentletrannies, wait, and value.

Over and Out,
Campus Queer

Usually I aim to pollute my brain with mindless television from Adult Swim, E!, or watching Anderson Cooper 360 on mute, yet when I learned our Lady had made the list for Barbara Walters' Most Fascinating People of 2009 (hellur) I strapped myself down to behold what would end up being a most intriguing hour of my life. These people may fascinate Barbara, but her interviews would be all the more fascinating to me. Judys and Tommis, I present to you the Queer's Top 10 Most Fascinating Moments of Barabara Walter's Top 9 Most Fascinating People of 2009.

1. Let us begin from the start. Peering over from the glow of my computer screen, I was horrified to find Barbara in what could only be a Saw-worthy death trap, yet was slightly relieved to learn it was only her earrings. The woman is 80 fine years of age. Let's get her a bone density test before we go stapping Trinity Taylor's ear glam on her.





2. The majestic (although ragingly short) interview with our Lady is fascinating without me having to tell you, so let's skip over that and look at the FURNITURE from that interview. Fabulous. Sitting in Acrylic Louis Ghost Chairs with just as equally purty pieces in the background, this queer was throbbing with excitement and plotting his way to get in the studio and make off with a chair or three with attention to make sure I grab the one host to our Lady's buns.




If you look just beyond Liberty Belle here, you can make out the sofa that i encourage any  reader to have delivered to me Christmas Day. No need to wrap, I'll be just as happy. Maybe a bow. Yes a bow would be nice.






3. While having a little sit down with the Rock-A-Bye Succubus herself, I raised an eyebrow for Barbara and her turtleneck/ski jacket. Chilly dear? I'm sure Kate does fine with her cold-blooded ways, but Barbara, need I remind you...you're 80.  You've got monties, I'm sure you can stand to turn up the heat. I'm pretty sure that wasn't you in the Alabama Power commercial, buttoning up your shawl with feeble arthritic fingers in the gloom.


4 On a similar note AND photo, I have yet to decide which lady has the most lesbian hair style here. I'll leave that up to the readers. Feel free to answer the sidebar poll in your spare time. These are demanding issues and require the most democratic determination possible.







5. WTF is he doing on here? I must say though, I love his pleasant flesh-tone scarf he has bundled up there. Oh, that's his chin rolls? Oh. Very well then. Continuing on...







6. Look! A queer. I wanted to listen to this interview. I really did. But between the two of their gorgeously caked up faces, I grew a hankering for some tasty flapjacks and flitted off to the nearest Target for some of Aunt Jemima's finest add-water-only powder.






7. Tyler Perry is a big ass man.











8. Michelle Obama is a big ass man.












9. Still slightly perturbed by the relatively short interview with whom I believe we can all agree is the most fascinating person - our Lady - I was enthralled with gayish delight to see Bad Romance played out for the final credits of the show. Barbara had me lost, but I was found.
Ra.
Ra.
Ah.
Ah.
Aha.
 



10. And the most fascinating moment of this show has no snarky comment and no distateful intentions. I was moved by Barbara's tribute to the children of the late Michael Jackson. Very tastefully done, I was even caught with a tear and appreciated a very sweet moment found in a swirling mass of tediousness. Good job Barbara.




This concludes the Queer's Most Fascina...well you remember the title. It's right at the top if you need reminding. May Whimsy Walters live another year to sit down with some right fine folks and unashamedly sink her teeth into them. Honarary mentions go to Jenny Sanford. That's a classy bitch ya'll. And yes. It's 9 people this year. Sarah Palin does not count. Remember to vote for the most lesbian hair style, unless you are offended. Even though those are definitely very lesbian hair styles.

Over and Out,
CampusQueer

So the other day I was walking around campus and I thought first about how much I hate what people wear on campus. Then out of the blue, I thought the words "Campus Queer." I'm not sure what struck me with these two words. Perhaps it was a moment of enlightenment or perhaps some frat guy yelled it as he proudly sped off in his oversize pick-up.  Anygay, I wasn't sure what they could possibly ever be used for, but it didn't take long to decide I wanted to host a blog based around those words - a blog about my day-to-day experiences mixed with some pro-gay agenda, and perhaps a little dirty humor every once in a while. Taint.

So after a miserable exam this morning, I plopped right down in Gorgas, stretched my little fangers, and began a whirlwind of social networking mastery. Employing Facebook, Twitter, Youtube, and Blogger (hellur) I am trying to create a community around this blog. I see it as a space where the Tuscaloosa gays can go when they are procrastinating at their finest and need a break from repeatedly hitting the Home button on Facebook, a space to create visibilty, and a space to make us smile. I hope to engage you and bring you back for more. I hope to hear from you too! My opinion may be the most important here, but it doesn't mean I don't value yours too...sometimes. I look forward to what this could be and what it could mean. Let this social experiment commence.

Over and Out,
Campus Queer